I've never really given much thought to the New Year. The hype and excitement for a fresh start and resolutions has always been lost on me...until 2012. It's been been a hard year. It feels strange to say that because outwardly, the physical things that I can touch and concretely describe weren't bad: Jeremy has a job he enjoys, our bills are getting paid, the kids are growing and learning, we are all healthy. In many ways I have been greatly blessed.
Inside my mind and soul, though, there's been a battle. I've been surprised by attacks of depression and anxiety. Unprepared I have had so many moments this last year were I felt like I have failed. Where my actions/behavior have left me full of shame. Moments where I felt like I'd lost myself. I've tried many times to come up with defensive plans (exercise, diet, prayer) and many times I've been defeated. Nothing else I've ever encounter in my life has left me feeling so powerless.
But I have hope for the New Year, thanks to Jeremy and the wonderful support of a few family and friends. I've begun to work though my inner struggles. I was able to find courage to go my doctor and ask for help. I'm learning when to give myself a break, when to admit that I need help, and how to truly rest.
I am, by nature, a "do-er". In my excitement for a new year - a fresh start - I started to make a mental list of goals. However, I've resisted writing them down because I really don't need a "do" list to check off. What I want most out of this new year is to feel content, to know peace.