Joyfully Weary

This past week was the hard week of the month for me. I often felt sluggish and behind and one morning I woke up full of anxiety. I had no reason to feel anxious, it just hit me out of nowhere and all the sudden the common tasks of the day felt insurmountable. It's funny...and sad...and frustrating the way that our minds can sometimes play tricks on us. Jeremy prayed over me and I read Psalm 73:21-28 and Lamentations 3:19-24.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my potion forever. Psalm 73:26 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end:  they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul,  "therefore I will hope in him." Lamenations 3:22-24 These verses have become a bit of a battle cry for me on my dark days. It's a comfort to know I trust in a God who is not controlled by the whims of the human heart. He doesn't change, ...

Last year I didn't really make any goals. Struggling with depression/ PMDD , I really just wanted to find contentment and peace again. There are days where I would say I've done that. I've gotten better at talking to people and asking for help. The thing I hate most about PMDD though, is how often it leaves me feeling out of control. I like control! So I find myself constantly prepping for the bad days, always trying to stay a little bit ahead. In theory, it might sound nice; but in actuality it's left me exhausted and missing some of life's most important things. As I look to the next year there are two things I want to strive for: one, to be "more present" and two, get a bit healthier.  I've become a bit of a multi-tasker. There is always something to do: laundry to fold, emails to send, homeschool work, etc. If my hands aren't already doing something else then most likely my mind is. While wrapping presents for Christmas I ...

I've briefly mentioned before that because of the condition PMDD , I have had struggles with depression and anxiety. I've been receiving treatment for almost a year now and have seen a lot of improvement. The physical symptoms can still sometimes suck but thankfully the mental/emotional ones have waned. However, the timing of Daylight Savings and a couple sunless days really threw me for a loop this week. The heaviness and constant static I hadn't experienced in months made a comeback. It's been a bit rough. It's also been a great reminder of how far I have come. Despite the hard, I've been making a conscious effort to remember all the reasons I have to be thankful: a husband that I can talk to and who listens and offers an abundance of support.  worship music that helps me focus, clears my head, and reminds me of the important things. a better understanding of my mind and body which allows me to be proactive in taking care of myself.  finally learn...

I've never really given much thought to the New Year. The hype and excitement for a fresh start and resolutions has always been lost on me...until 2012. It's been been a hard year. It feels strange to say that because outwardly, the physical things that I can touch and concretely describe weren't bad: Jeremy has a job he enjoys, our bills are getting paid, the kids are growing and learning, we are all healthy. In many ways I have been greatly blessed. Inside my mind and soul, though, there's been a battle. I've been surprised by attacks of depression and anxiety. Unprepared I have had so many moments this last year were I felt like I have failed. Where my actions/behavior have left me full of shame. Moments where I felt like I'd lost myself. I've tried many times to come up with defensive plans (exercise, diet, prayer) and many times I've been defeated. Nothing else I've ever encounter in my life has left me feeling so powerless. But I have hope ...